What matters to me?

I especially like the Ainstein quote at the end. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KExoP97KUnY

The Vanishing room, comment on "on passing through doors"

There's been doors i've had to go through in the last few months, doors i saw and doors that I did not see. A dangerous thing to have change happen and not to notice, a frightening thing to suddenly notice that you're in a different place than you thought you were.

I have had to look around and recognize my sorroundings, to understand my place in the space, what am i doing here? how did I get over here? How did I walk in and close the door behind me and not notice?

I recently walked through a door into a place i knew i had to go to and out of a room I had long ceased to belong in.

The room I was in was no longer holding together. it was showing itself to be made of less than solid stuff and unless I left it, it would completely disappear around me. I struggled to remain in the vanishing room. willing with the force and might of all my denial to remake the walls as solid things, to give back the floor and ceiling their opaqueness, to remain in this room I had made myself believe I so wanted to be in.

I now see that I had forced myself to remain there.
In hindsight, I knew going in that this room was never solidly built, but I'd faith in my carpentry skillz.
In hindsight, I know that i saw the vanishing happening, I even knocked down the load bearing wall with my own hands.
so much for carpentry skillz.

The room I am back in now is bare and it is cold here, the walls and floor and ceiling have a raw, unfinished look to them, though solid enough. This is a room I can be in. It has never shown any signs of vanishing. This is a room I was working on before while I was in Sardinia.
I know that the foundations are sound in this room and if it's not pretty, it is good shelter.  More than that, it is where I need to be now.

I abandoned the work in this room to go to the vanishing room.

I was enticed into the vanishing  by it's beauty and promise and novelty and excitement. 

it was a cooperative effort, the vanishing room. unlike this room, where no one was allowed, a work in progress, you don't want to go in there, it's a dirty mess and there's no place to sit and talk. Let's sit on these big cushions and look at all the pretty things on the walls and look out the windows at the possible futures we could make. And our dreams were the things that glittered and shined so pretty and our plans were the rich colors of all the tapestries and hangings and cushions everywhere. 

When i found i was alone in this vanishing room, i noticed things began to disappear around me, cushions, carpets, hangings, statues, bookshelves, pretty pottery and other things. I saved a few things and I'll keep them safe, things that did not disappear, the things that were real in the vanishing room, some things i had brought with me, others we made there.

I will continue the work in my room. lots of cleaning and arranging, holes to patch, years of dust and grime to clean off the windows. so much neglect. it's gonna take some time and work place liveable, it's a hazard right now. there still needs to be some breaking down and rebuilding in here. The work might never end.

 but I will make it home here and maybe i'll invite a friend in now and again. And I will keep the treasured things we made in the vanishing room to remind me and to warn me and even to warm me.

Tin Pan

Welcome to the...

"New year, new you." If only.

The change of years provokes most of us to give our own lives some profound thoughts. Even if you don't have any specific resolutions you might have thought about giving yourself some. There are many people who recommend making a plan, others say it's no use, you are only going to disappoint yourself and have less motivation to get things done next year. I try to get things clear in front of me and then get over trying to reach every goal. Most of my wishes are things that I wish for everyday, so what is the difference on New Year's Eve?! Right, so why wait for January to come if you like to change something in your life...

The way I see it, this is the only advice we should all follow (from here):



Happy new year!

A Time of Quiet

I'm heading for a time of quiet,

When my restlessness is passed.

And I can lie down on my blanket

And release my fists at last.

When I can't sleep, I listen to Quiet by Paul Simon.  It always calms me down, reminds me to let go of my stress and restlessness.  Recently, as I lay awake in the dark listening to this soothing song, I was struck by a few of the lyrics I had never paid much attention to before:

And when they say

That you're not good enough

Well, the answer is

You're not.

But who are they

And what is this

That eats at what you've got?

Paul, you've got something there.  I suppose a big part of becoming an adult is realizing, when they say you're not good enough, the answer is: you're not.  We go through our lives being told "You can be anything you want."  We are always told of our boundless potential.  But, in the real world, there are boundaries that we may not cross.  It doesn't have to be based in reality.  You might be the best actor who has ever lived, but if you don't fit Hollywood's mold, you're just not good enough.  We march into the world, and it promptly tells us just how wrong we have been for assuming boundless potential.  "There are boundaries," it sneers, "that you just can't cross."

And we listen.  This is what Paul opened my eyes to.  We listen.  My professor tells me I'm not suited for scholarship, or my band mates tell me I'm not cut out to be a musician,  the publisher turns down my book, the newspaper refuses my photos, I just can't seem to pass this one exam, I can't dance.  But who are they to say?  And what is this, what is this that eats at what we've got?  Why does it matter that I am not good enough for some people?  It matters because I believe it matters.  If my standards are set by the world, and then I fall short, then I will never release my fists.  I will always be fighting against the simple truth:  I'm not good enough.

But it isn't true, doesn't have to bring me down!  Who cares if Hollywood doesn't want me?  Who cares if I can't make it in politics?  Who cares if the world never sees me as I truly am?  We are social creatures, and we must function in society, but if we let our own self-worth be determined by the standards of others, we will always fail.

Who are they?  And what is this, that eats at what you've got?

I'm heading for a time of  solitude

Of peace without illusions.

Where the perfect circle marries all

Beginnings and conclusions.

The Hidden Tiger: Knowing Which Name to Call

Can you find the hidden tiger in the picture above?  Once you see him, it seems so clear, so obvious, but it takes a little while.  You don't see him right away.  You have to search.  Maybe not long, but you have to search.  Then you see it clearly.

The ancient Egyptians, like a lot of peoples, believed that if you knew someone's name, you had power over them.  The Egyptians believed that every person had (has) a secret name, their essential name, that is too powerful to be known.  The great mother goddess, Isis, became the most powerful magician in existence by tricking her father, Re, into telling her his secret name, and thus, giving her his power.

You can't solve your problems until you see the hidden tiger and know god's secret name.  Until you can figure out exactly what problems you're having, you're helpless against them.  It sounds simple, I know.  Of course you can't solve problems you don't know you have.  The point is this: you have no power if you are calling the wrong name.

I've noticed that when one thing goes wrong, lots of things seem to go wrong.  Sometimes we see that lots of things are going wrong, and we don't understand that they might be the result of something else.  This isn't meant to be complicated.  I don't think we all have deeply hidden issues.  I just know that there are days when everything goes wrong, (it's raining, you burn your finger on the coffee pot, you lose your keys, you fail your test) and you focus on all the bad things not realizing that they aren't really the problem.  

This is a simplification, of course.  But the question is simple:  What's your problem?  Is it really your girlfriend?  Is it really about your failed test, your lost job, your broken cup?  If it is, you have the power to overcome, you have the power to move on.  If you can't let go, can't help but focus on these things, big or small, maybe you've been looking in the wrong place for the hidden tiger.  Maybe you've been calling the wrong name.

Can you find the hidden tiger in the picture above?  What about in your self?