Saturday, August 8, 2009

Seeing the wall and hitting it head-on

I am just publicly venting my mental state, so don't pay too much attention to what I am going to say :) Maybe someone could tell me if they have felt the same way because not being alone with this might help. Is there another way out of the dead end than just waiting it out?

I feel an urge to write because all the icky feeling inside starts showing in my daily routine. I don't go to bed because I am not tired. Then I watch some movie or play a stupid little flashgame, read the news and miss the right moment to go to bed. When I finally go to sleep it depends on the plan for the next day whether I have to get up early and spend the day sleepwalking or whether I can stay in bed till noon and then spend the afternoon feeling unproductive and guilty.

All the methods of time management I have heard about don't seem to save me from this vicious cycle. It obviously makes a difference knowing what's the best way to handle a situation and acting on it. This knowledge lends a self-destructive sensation to it, and that part actually is somehow thrilling. Am I making sense? I hope not.

Recently a friend told me that carrying responsibility has marked the end of procrastination for him. He is busy at his job, but definitely seems content in his new life. So far I only have responsibility for myself and my studies and this freedom is hard to balance with discipline. There is a little guilt when I think of my parents or the hopes I have in myself.

This is not supposed to happen to me. My self image does not involve undisciplined lazy stupid behavior. It does not even involve berating myself beyond a certain limit. So why am I still here?! Well, that's all. End of rant.

1 comment:

Leila said...

Sorry I only saw this post now. I can say I've been and am still going through this same sensation. We've chatted about it a bit, and can chat about it some more if you like.

Seems to me this would be a fine time to let go of your self image. If you can't seem to break out of the cycle, why not use it like a centrifuge and let your ideas of yourself fly off. Your self image has served you well, but maybe you're clinging to it too tightly now. Let it go! You're only hanging on because you're afraid of somehow failing. I know your essence, that little bit that no self image is going to touch, and I know that you can't fail. Maybe you won't reach the goals you've set, but you will find the way to make that into a success.

You know this, you (and I!!) are just afraid it's not true! Well, I demand that it be true! :-D