Motivation

I think I can trace the root of all my recent problems to the desire to see clearly.  My life has always been like a staircase leading me higher and higher, toward some lofty goal.  I had no name for this goal, but I have always been able to focus on the stair under my feet.  Now, I glance upwards and I see an endless rising, stair after stair, and I just can't see where it goes.  I've always felt I was on a path, one thing leading naturally into another, but recently I've felt like I'm just wasting my time.  I have to recognize, however, that these crises do arise at times.  For me, it's a crisis not only of motivation, but of faith.

Right now I see little point in doing the work I do.  I've simply become too specialized in an interesting field, and the details are beginning to take over.  The truth of the matter is, I don't see the importance of the details.  I am asked to translate texts, and to define a language with precision, plotting out and naming every form of every word.  I want to succeed at this task, but not for the sake of the task itself.  I want to succeed so I can move on to more meaningful work.  I just want to get my masters and run, save the world, do what I can.  I know I have the ability to live in the details, I just lack the motivation.

I talked to my mother:  She reminded me that the path is never as clear as we think it is.  Even when we think we know the answer, we can't see the future.  She told me I just have to have faith that the path that I am on is the one I'm meant to be on.  She said "You've been on this path since you were 2 years old, everything has brought you here.  That can't be wrong.  You just can't see which way the path ahead is turning."  Mom suggested I focus my energy on learning as much of this as I can because I just never know when I'll need it.  What seems so arbitrary, so pointless now, will be useful to me, in some unforeseen way.  It's like a bit of string you pick up in a video game, and ends up you have to give it to some string-collecting giant so he'll lift the rock gates that impede the flow of water to a village.  Or something.

The point is, I've been searching for a way to focus myself, and to do what I need to do, even though I don't want to do it, and don't even feel it's worthwhile.  But to reach my goal of getting a masters, I have to do it, so even if I can't see the worth, I have to believe it's there.  I just have to keep on believing that everything I do is a lesson, and the only way to become who I need to become.

"Your contribution to the world is going to be great.  You may not be working under the President, and you may not be making lots of money, but you're going to change the world in your way.  You just have to have faith."  --Mom

Thanks mom.